The first paragraph effectively introduces the significance of penicillin in changing disease treatment. To improve, consider providing more detailed analysis of how penicillin's development specifically impacted public health outcomes and the broader implications for medical practice. For example, you could discuss the shift from surgical interventions to antibiotic treatments for infections.
The second paragraph presents a clear argument about the government's role in healthcare. However, it would benefit from more specific examples of government initiatives or policies that directly led to advancements in treatment. Additionally, linking the government's actions to specific health outcomes or changes in public perception would strengthen the analysis.
The third paragraph discusses the NHS's impact well, but it could be enhanced by including statistics or specific examples of how access to healthcare improved health outcomes. Discussing the long-term effects of the NHS on public health and its role in shaping modern medicine would provide a deeper understanding of its significance.
The essay presents a clear and structured argument, identifying key factors that contributed to changes in disease treatment during the 20th century. Each paragraph focuses on a distinct reason, making it easy to follow the line of reasoning. The use of specific examples, such as penicillin and the NHS, demonstrates a good understanding of the topic.
To achieve a higher mark, the essay should include more detailed analysis and specific examples that connect the points made to the broader context of public health and medical advancements. Additionally, integrating more data or statistics would strengthen the arguments and provide a more comprehensive understanding of the changes in treatment methods.
Overall, the essay provides a solid explanation of the changes in disease treatment during the 20th century, with clear references to key developments such as penicillin, government involvement, and the NHS. However, to reach a higher level, the analysis should be more detailed and interconnected, demonstrating a deeper understanding of the implications of these changes on public health and medical practices.