Write a story about a journey - AI essay feedback

Feedback

Use TILFFrom SUSU

Use TILFFrom SUSU

It was the singular most important moment of his life: the last day of his existence. However, he was totally unaware. In the last dregs of sunshine, the sky streaked with hues of pinks, yellows and golds - glitter rested on surfaces as birds began to settle. The day had been warm, golden and light. Mountains breathed deeply as the wisps of could touched their snow-topped caps: everywhere nature was relaxing for the night. It was a dream. The empty road beckoned a lone car. It was longing for a visitor. It was an apparition of night. Darkness began to envelope grass-covered verges where the lilac-coloured heather fluttered in the evening breeze. A whisper drifted towards the moving vehicle. Insects shrilled incessantly; their voices harping in the dark. Lonely, he stared at the white strips moving towards him. He longed for human interaction. A chance to meet other people. A chance to laugh. A chance to cry: something other than this existence. Over the next hill, the luminosity of the sky had turned an inky-black. Waves of music drifted. A scent of chestnuts. Laughter. Continuing on the open road, a spot of rain splashed on the screen: it was a phantom of rain. Did it really fall? Was it real? Almost there. He turned up the radio: "And now for the next song..." it droned on in the background. A big burst of lights emitted in the sky. He was almost at the end of his life. There, the carnival beckoned... He arrived. It was silent. It was deserted. Little did he know, they knew he was coming...

Feedback

Mark

36/40

Paragraphs Feedback

The opening paragraph effectively sets a dramatic tone and engages the reader's curiosity about the character's fate. To improve, consider adding more context about the character's journey to enhance emotional connection (AO5).
The second paragraph provides a vivid description of the setting, using strong imagery. To elevate this, you could incorporate more sensory details to create a more immersive experience for the reader (AO5).
The third paragraph continues the descriptive style, but the phrase 'it was a dream' feels vague. Clarifying what this dream represents could strengthen the narrative's emotional impact (AO5).
In the fourth paragraph, the personification of the road is a nice touch. However, expanding on the significance of the 'lone car' could deepen the reader's understanding of the journey's importance (AO5).
The fifth paragraph introduces a sense of longing, which is effective. To enhance this, consider showing more of the character's internal thoughts or memories to create a stronger connection to their desire for interaction (AO5).
The sixth paragraph shifts the tone with the mention of rain and music. This is intriguing, but it could benefit from clearer connections to the character's emotional state or the journey's significance (AO5).
The seventh paragraph builds tension with the mention of the carnival. To improve, you could foreshadow the significance of the carnival earlier in the story to create a more cohesive narrative (AO5).
The final paragraph is impactful but could be more powerful with a clearer resolution or reflection from the character. Consider adding a line that hints at their thoughts or feelings upon arrival (AO5).

What Went Well

The essay has a strong opening that captures the reader's attention and sets a dramatic tone.
Vivid imagery is used throughout the piece, creating a clear and engaging setting that enhances the narrative.
The use of suspense and foreshadowing in the latter paragraphs effectively builds tension and intrigue.

Even Better If

Provide more context about the character's journey in the opening to enhance emotional connection.
Incorporate additional sensory details in the setting descriptions to create a more immersive experience.
Clarify the significance of the 'lone car' and its relation to the character's journey to deepen understanding.

AO Feedback

To improve AO5, focus on enhancing emotional connections through character thoughts and feelings, particularly in moments of longing and reflection.
For AO6, ensure that sentence structures vary and that punctuation is used effectively to enhance the flow of the narrative. Consider reviewing the use of commas and periods for clarity.

Stronger Writing

In the final paragraph, consider expanding the character's reaction to arriving at the carnival. For example, you could add a line like, 'As he stepped out of the car, a chill ran down his spine, sensing that this place held the answers he had been seeking.' This would preserve the original tone while providing a clearer connection to the character's journey and emotional state.

Write a story about a journey - AI essay feedback