Write a story with the title, reaching new heights - AI essay feedback

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Write a story with the title, reaching new heights - AI essay feedback

Use TILFFrom JKJK

Use TILFFrom JKJK

REACHING NEW HEIGHTS The dreaded, long, consistent 'beep' sound filled the crowded hospital room. My father was gone, and so was a part of me. Relatives grasped every inch of every limb I had, with the sole objective of giving me support. In a room now filled with wailing cries, I could hardly tense my facial muscles to produce one reaction. Soon I couldn't feel at all as the physical paralysis trickled down my spinal cord. I remained silent and slumped my way down to the ground, a position that held me captive for the next ten hours. As the hospital nurse gently wheeled my father's corpse out of the room, I tried to sneak a glance at his face just one more time. However, I couldn't. Every nerve in my body wanted to. I exerted more energy and effort than I knew I had inside me to get up but no matter how hard I tried, I physically could not. I was paralyzed. Nobody talks about how hard it is to go from being an all-star basketball player to needing assistance to use the bathroom. I hated myself at some point, not because of the embarrassment or self-pity but because of how hard and rude I had been to persons of disability prior. Test and scans revealed there was nothing wrong with me and that my 'disability'was self-induced. I prayed and prayed, visited the church more times in a month than I had all my years. This was together with hours spent tethered to my laptop as I crawled through the crevices of the internet trying to find a solution. However, everything was fruitless and after draining my mother's life savings, I succumbed to a life on a wheelchair. Luckily for me, fate was on my side and one morning, I miraculously just woke up and walked out of my bed. My friends all think it's the spicy, extra chicken curry they brought for me the night before, but I know that the fact that it happened on my birthday meant it was a present from my caring father all the way from heaven. Now, I sit back and enjoy the view. I have just hiked 5000 vertical metres to the summit of Mt. Kilimanjaro with a new found appreciation for my legs. Everyday has had an exhilarating task, this week's was just based in the serene land of Tanzania.

Feedback

Mark

32/40

Paragraphs Feedback

The introduction effectively sets a somber tone and engages the reader with a strong emotional impact. To improve, consider adding a clearer thesis statement that outlines the journey of reaching new heights, both literally and metaphorically.
The second paragraph builds on the emotional weight of the previous one, but it could benefit from more vivid imagery or details about the father's face to enhance the reader's connection to the protagonist's loss. Additionally, clarify the transition from physical paralysis to emotional paralysis.
In the third paragraph, the reflection on the protagonist's past as a basketball player is poignant. However, it would be stronger if you included specific examples of how this experience changed their perspective. The phrase 'self-induced disability' could be elaborated to explain the psychological aspect more clearly.
The fourth paragraph introduces a turning point in the narrative. To enhance this section, consider providing more detail about the protagonist's feelings during the recovery process. The mention of the birthday is a nice touch, but it could be more impactful if you connected it back to the father's memory.
The fifth paragraph effectively conveys a sense of achievement and joy. However, it would benefit from more descriptive language about the hike and the views from the summit to create a more immersive experience for the reader. Consider using sensory details to bring the scene to life.
The conclusion wraps up the story well, but it could be strengthened by reflecting on the overall journey and what 'reaching new heights' means to the protagonist beyond the physical achievement. A more profound closing thought would leave a lasting impression.

What Went Well

The essay has a strong emotional core and effectively conveys the protagonist's journey from loss and paralysis to recovery and achievement. The use of personal reflection adds depth to the narrative, making it relatable and impactful.

Even Better If

To achieve a higher mark, the essay should include more vivid descriptions and specific examples that enhance the emotional and sensory experience. Additionally, strengthening the connections between the protagonist's past and present would provide a more cohesive narrative.

Overall Feedback

Overall, the essay presents a compelling story of personal growth and resilience. The emotional depth and transformative journey are well-articulated, but the narrative would benefit from more detailed imagery and clearer connections between the protagonist's experiences. Focus on enhancing the descriptive elements and ensuring that each paragraph contributes to the overall theme of reaching new heights.