Write a story with the title ‘Abandoned’. - AI essay feedback

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Write a story with the title ‘Abandoned’. - AI essay feedback

Use TILFFrom EVEV

Use TILFFrom EVEV

Alone but surrounded by people. Surrounded by people but alone. When people's shoulders brush past, all I can do is just let myself get pushed around as if it will lead to me t a new place. They all talk and chat amongst themselves whereas my voice drowns until it sounds like whispers, silent screams of wanting to escape. Music booms in the background, giving life to the party like a heartbeat, making everyone lose their mind to the body and making their body dance to the rhythm. My mind is still here. It's always here. The mind is like an ocean. The more familiar you are with the place, the more beautiful and open the word is. The light shimmers and glistens in the word around you as the warm ocean pushes small, elegant waves making you feel as if you're dancing on an angelic, pure white cloud. When you're unfamiliar with your mind, it's like you're in the middle of an ocean but you don't know what ocean. You're stuck in the middle of nowhere but it's in your mind. You're abandoned - but abandoned by who? Your parents guide you and your siblings play with you but you're still abandoned. The waves crash and each push feels like hands wrapped around your neck - suffocating you. Forcing you to answer the question - 'who abandoned you?' No one did. I let myself become an empty can on the side of the beach with hopes of being something...useful. People walk by with their day to day lives; they have their own stuff to do, to worry about, to deal with. You lose yourself to yourself. You cause yourself to be abandoned in the crowd but how can you be abandoned in a crowd. You should open up, talk, be more confident but how? Is there a book? Is there a teacher to teach you how to express yourself? You drown in the worries and the struggles you hide and end up becoming abandoned in your own mind, even if others don't know it. What does it mean to be abandoned? Are you supposed to be lost; like someone forgot about you physically or can you lost mentally. There are always crowds that move up and down, left and right and away but how come I'm still stuck in a body of water on my own? Why is there no one around me but everyone around me? Someone called out, "lets get some snacks guys!" They all rush like bees in a hive to get the best snacks, leaving me to wonder by myself. Am I abandoned?

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Mark

30/40

Paragraphs Feedback

The opening paragraph effectively sets the tone and atmosphere of isolation within a crowd. To improve, consider adding more vivid imagery or specific details about the surroundings to enhance the reader's connection to the setting. For example, describe the colors, sounds, or smells of the party to create a more immersive experience.
The second paragraph introduces a metaphorical comparison between the mind and the ocean, which is a strong concept. However, the transition between ideas could be smoother. Consider clarifying the connection between the beauty of the ocean and the feelings of abandonment. You might also want to simplify some phrases for clarity, such as 'the word around you' which could be rephrased to 'the world around you.'
In the third paragraph, the exploration of self-abandonment is poignant. To enhance this section, you could include specific examples of experiences or feelings that illustrate the struggle with self-expression. This would make the emotional impact more relatable and tangible for the reader.
The fourth paragraph poses thought-provoking questions about the nature of abandonment. To improve, consider breaking up the long sentences for better readability. Additionally, you could strengthen the rhetorical questions by providing a brief reflection or insight that follows them, which would deepen the reader's engagement with the topic.
The final paragraph brings the narrative to a close with a clear call to the theme of abandonment. However, it feels somewhat abrupt. To enhance the conclusion, you might want to reflect on the implications of the question posed. Perhaps include a thought about the desire for connection or the fear of being forgotten, which would leave the reader with a lasting impression.
Overall, the essay presents a compelling exploration of abandonment, both physically and mentally. To improve coherence, ensure that each paragraph flows logically into the next, and consider using transitional phrases to guide the reader through your thoughts.

What Went Well

The essay effectively conveys a deep sense of emotional isolation and abandonment, using strong metaphors and reflective questions that engage the reader. The tone is consistent and matches the theme, creating a poignant narrative that invites introspection.

Even Better If

To achieve a higher mark, the essay should focus on enhancing clarity and coherence. This can be done by improving transitions between ideas, providing more specific examples to illustrate points, and refining the structure to ensure a smoother flow of thoughts. Additionally, consider expanding on the emotional depth in certain areas to create a more impactful connection with the reader.

Overall Feedback

The essay presents a thoughtful and introspective exploration of abandonment, utilizing effective metaphors and a consistent tone. However, to improve, focus on enhancing clarity, coherence, and emotional depth throughout the narrative. By refining the structure and providing more specific details, the essay can achieve a higher level of engagement and impact.