description - AI essay feedback

Feedback

description - AI essay feedback

Use TILFFrom GPGP

Use TILFFrom GPGP

As I walked near the famous building, the first thing I see outside is the red luminous Manchester United sign. Crowds of fans all wearing red or blue kits all ready for a spectacular game milled around screaming and chanting hoarsely. Charging my way through I opened the doors and stepped inside our fortress. I walked into the dressing room and looked around. My teammates were standing and laughing. My manager was giving some final instructions beaming with confidence. Running my hands along the smooth cold plaster. I took a deep breath in feeling the air flowing in. I reached out and touched the rugged and raised badge for luck. Turning the shirt around, I ran my hand along the "Kane" and the white number nine on the back. It all felt a bit too real. Leading the team onto the immaculate green turf, I hear the 80,000 strong red army behind us start to chant their war cries. My heart stops beating momentarily then it pounds a steady drum beat against my chest with the wind whistling in my ears. Then the shrill cry of the referee starting the game came and not a minute too soon. 10 minutes later the best sound came as I scored a screamer from 30 yards out. 35 minutes later the whistle blew again and the fans were screaming and chanting my name over and over. As I walked back into the tunnel and got into the changing rooms I was hit the smell of energy bars and lucozade and I was also hit with the smell of more unpleasant things like sweat. I opened my bottle of lucozade and inhaled, breathing in one of the best scents in the world. Then another scent hit me as one of my teammates opened up an energy bar and gobbled it down. I reached for one as well and inhaled before also gobbling it down.

Feedback

Paragraphs Feedback

The first paragraph effectively sets the scene and creates a vivid image of the environment. To improve, consider adding more sensory details to enhance the atmosphere. For example, describe the sounds of the crowd or the feelings of excitement and nervousness as you approach the stadium.
In the second paragraph, the description of the dressing room is good, but it could benefit from more emotional depth. Instead of just stating that the manager was beaming with confidence, you could describe how that confidence affected you and your teammates. This would create a stronger connection with the reader.
The third paragraph does a great job of building tension and excitement leading up to the goal. However, the transition from the game to the celebration could be smoother. Consider adding a sentence that bridges these two moments to enhance the flow of the narrative.
The final paragraph provides a nice conclusion, but it could be more reflective. Instead of just describing the smells, you could share your thoughts and feelings about the game and your performance, which would add depth to the ending.

AO Feedback

To reach a higher level, focus on enhancing the emotional depth and sensory details in your writing. For AO1, ensure that your narrative engages the reader more fully by exploring your feelings and thoughts during key moments. For AO2, work on varying your sentence structures to create a more dynamic reading experience. For AO3, ensure that your ideas are clearly organized and that there is a smooth flow between paragraphs.

What Went Well

The essay effectively captures the excitement of a football game, using vivid imagery and a clear narrative structure. The use of sensory details, such as sounds and smells, helps to immerse the reader in the experience.

Even Better If

To improve, focus on adding more emotional resonance to your descriptions and ensuring that transitions between ideas and paragraphs are smooth. Additionally, consider varying your sentence structures to enhance the overall flow and engagement of the narrative.

Overall Feedback

Overall, the essay presents a compelling narrative that captures a moment of excitement in a football game. While the imagery and structure are strong, there is room for improvement in emotional depth and sentence variety to elevate the writing to a higher level.