Practice ThisFeedback
The opening paragraph effectively sets a somber tone and introduces the protagonist's emotional state. To improve, consider adding more sensory details to enhance the atmosphere. For example, describe the sounds of the storm outside or the feeling of the cold wind more vividly.
In the second paragraph, the transition from the protagonist's feelings to the action of calling her sister is somewhat abrupt. To improve coherence, you could elaborate on the protagonist's feelings about leaving her children or the urgency of the situation. This would help the reader understand the emotional weight of her decision.
The third paragraph presents a stark contrast between the benefits office and the protagonist's situation. This is a strong point, but it could be enhanced by providing more specific details about the people in the office. Instead of just stating they are angry or sad, consider showing their reactions or interactions to create a more vivid picture.
In the fourth paragraph, the dialogue is impactful, but it could benefit from clearer punctuation and structure to enhance readability. For instance, separating the dialogue from the narrative more distinctly would help the reader follow the conversation more easily. Additionally, consider expanding on the protagonist's emotional response to the government's response.
The final paragraph provides a resolution and reflection on the protagonist's journey. To strengthen this, you could include more about how the support from her community changed her perspective. Perhaps share a specific moment that illustrates her gratitude or a lesson learned.
For AO5, the story communicates a clear and relevant experience that changes the protagonist's worldview. However, to reach a higher level, it should include more varied sentence structures and deeper emotional exploration of the protagonist's feelings throughout the narrative. For AO6, while there is some effective use of vocabulary, the essay would benefit from more complex sentence structures and a wider range of punctuation to enhance clarity and impact.
The essay effectively conveys a powerful emotional journey and highlights social issues, which aligns well with the prompt. The use of dialogue adds depth to the characters and situations, making the narrative engaging.
To improve, focus on enhancing the emotional depth of the characters, using more varied sentence structures, and ensuring clarity in dialogue. Additionally, consider expanding on the sensory details to create a more immersive experience for the reader.
Overall, the essay presents a compelling narrative that addresses a significant life experience. While it successfully communicates the protagonist's struggles and eventual support from the community, it would benefit from improved coherence, deeper emotional exploration, and more varied sentence structures to enhance the overall impact.