question 22 It has been suggested that reduced-price bus fares for young should be scra... - AI essay feedback

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question 22 It has been suggested that reduced-price bus fares for young should be scra... - AI essay feedback

Use TILFFrom JLJL

Use TILFFrom JLJL

To whom it may concern, I am writing to give my opinion on the suggestion that reduced bus prices for young people be scrapped to save money, but the one found for the 65s should be kept. Personally, I think that is completely unfair and unreasonable. Young people need the reduced bus fair, this is a fact as a lot of students rely on the bus to get them to and from school. If this where to be scrapped it could most likely end up with the young people able to attend school. However, people over 65 getting free fair while scrapping young peoples transport so school could be argued that over 65s are more beneficial to society therefore they should be prioritized. This argument makes no sense as to become a over 65 you have to be a teenager first. If young people are not able to attend education how would they learn and become a beneficial member of society? I chose to write to this newspaper as I'm not sure where else to turn. I implore you to listen to me and the countless other young people, myself included, who have wrote to you asking for help. Yours faithfully Charlie

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Mark

9/20

Paragraphs Feedback

The opening paragraph establishes the purpose of the letter but could benefit from a clearer introduction to the topic. Consider briefly summarizing the proposal before stating your opinion to provide context for the reader.
This paragraph presents a strong argument about the necessity of reduced bus fares for young people, but it lacks depth. Expand on how the lack of affordable transport could impact education and daily life for students. For example, mention specific challenges they might face in attending school.
This paragraph introduces a counterargument but does so somewhat awkwardly. Strengthen this point by providing specific examples of how young people contribute to society and why their needs should not be overlooked. Clarify the connection between education and future societal contributions.
This paragraph presents a personal plea but could be more persuasive. Instead of just stating your feelings, provide concrete examples of how young people have been affected by transport costs in the past. This would make your argument more relatable and impactful.
The conclusion is weak and does not effectively summarize your main points. Consider reiterating the importance of supporting young people through affordable transport and the long-term benefits for society. A stronger closing statement would leave a lasting impression on the reader.

What Went Well

The essay presents a clear opinion on the topic and attempts to address both sides of the argument. The writer's passion for the issue is evident, which can engage the reader.

Even Better If

To improve, the essay should include more detailed arguments and examples to support the claims made. Each point should be elaborated upon to enhance clarity and persuasiveness. Additionally, improving the structure and flow of the letter would help maintain the reader's interest.

Overall Feedback

The essay presents a relevant opinion on the proposed changes to bus fares but lacks depth and clarity in its arguments. While the writer shows awareness of the audience and purpose, the letter would benefit from more detailed support for the claims made and a stronger overall structure. Enhancing these areas could significantly improve the effectiveness of the communication.